Change..

I have been wanting to write here for quite some time but I kept putting it off. I feel like my life is so mundane and that I have nothing interesting to write about. I have been married for over a month and I am adjusting to all that entails. Change. *sigh* It is something that never changes (no pun intended). There is always something that is changing and going a different direction then you thought it would go. Sharing holidays for instence is a change. I am spending Thanksgiving this year with my new family. It is only the second Thanksgiving I have spent away from my family. I am excited to be able to share time with my new family but it is also one more thing I have to ajust to. I have been in the process of changing my name which by the way is a difficult process. I have been married for over a month and I still have many things to change. Changing your name is an emotional process I am still adjusting to it. I am learning to try to go with the flow and just go with the wave. I tend to get overwhelmed a lot of the time with all that I have to do. With work and all the things I have to do at home and then life. Which this year has been a more then difficult one for me & my family. However, I am learning through all of it that my Abba is in control. That I need to surrender all I have to do and all that I am going through to Him. It is a daily struggle believe me. I have to continually remind myself to BREATHE and let go and let God. I am learning to be still and know that my Abba is God. He is in control and I have all the time I need. I just need to be a better steward of my time. I am learning to "make" time. I know that at times that my chores can wait a couple days in order to do other things that are more important like spend time having tea with my Gama every week.

Parting is such sorrow

So today four years ago my Grandfather, Pa passed away suddenly. I never got to say goodbye. His loss is that much more raw because in a week I am getting married and he will not be there. I miss him so much my heart aches to think about him. I am so afraid of forgetting him yet, it hurts so much to remember him. I close my eyes some times just to make sure I can remember him without having to look at a picture to remember what he looked and sounded like. I miss everything about him, but what I miss the most is his laugh, his smile, and his sense of humor. He could always make me laugh. Today I remember you as you were when you were still with me.
RIP Pa

Many things change..

So I have not written here in quite some time. My best friend inspired me to get back into writing. I love writing and have been neglecting it for a long time. It is a plant I have let die and and determined bring back to life here. It may not be anything grand but it is the musings of my mind so for anyone who wants to read this here goes. So I am planning my wedding. I know right? I got engaged on May 14 and it has been a whirl wind ever since. I have been stressing out about every little detail but with Greg my Abba, and my family as support I am making it through and I am excited for the day to come. Yet, also wanting to enjoy the process and enjoy the challenges it has throw at Greg and I. It has brought us closer together with everything we have to decide together. There are a lot of details in a wedding for those of you who have not yet gone through it. I am in awe of how my Abba has provided for us through this whole process. He helped my Aunt find my dress at a surplus store in ME of all places and when I tried it on for the first time it fit like it was made for me. I have grown closer to my Abb through this process too He is my Provider the one who if faithful and He is in control. "It will all come out in the wash" as my Grandmother would say. I pray that my Abba will continue to work out all the details so I can watch Him at work.

changes

So i have moved in to my own apartment & started a new job all the last couple weeks. I am so exhausted. Then I just found out that my Aunitie Sandy was found dead in her apartment! I wept myself to sleep last night. I remember her and her smile her laugh and how she was always so giving. Of course she had her vices like everyone else but I loved her and now she is gone. I had not see her in years and not I feel guilty for not making any attempt to see her over the years.

Love..

What is love? It is an unchanging solid or is it a fluid substance that can shift and sway in the winds of time? Can love fade? Can you grow out of love with someone? Can you make yourself numb to the fact that you do care? That you care so much that it actually physically hurts? What do you do with that? Do you curl into a fetal position and hope that your feelings will go away? Or do you walk through the world in a frozen dumb state hoping that someday this broken heart that is beating in your chest will heal? Do you numb your agony with alcohol and drugs to shut out the pain? Do you hide your true feelings deep inside so no one will see what your heart truly feels?
God says that love is patient, kind. never angry, never judging....but what is your love is only your love? What if the other person does not love you back what then?
You weep at every moment because everything reminds you of the memories you might have had that will never become a reality. You weep because you do not know what else to do with this pain within your chest that is threatening to chock your breath.

So I have survived the past week without my littlest or middlest sisters being here at home. It has not been an easy week I can tell you that much. I am not liking being the only sibling left at home while everyone else is out an about in the world. In fact I would go so far as you say id sucks!
All I have is my books to keep me company( and my cat, Amourant =)). I am overwhelmed and discouraged right now I am dishearted with the way my life is going right now. I know it is just a season but I wish I could wake up from is somewhere else. I am hoping that 2009 will turn out to be a better year then 2008 was.

So my littlest sister is getting married tomorrow! I am happy but also a little sad since it will only be me in the house alone with my parents!